This morning I am suffering from a fever laying in bed, feeling tired and so weak that even going to the bathroom is a struggle. I can't fathom how I will ever have the strength to walk around normally or exercise. Even though logically I know I will recover (98% sure), I still can't project my mind forward to that likely state. This inability of perceiving different moments in time is a limitation that I used to train against. I used to call it my special ability "Reversing mental time at will" that I trained when I went on walks.

I would sit on bench and explain my thoughts and fears about for instance upcoming exam, dropping out or family fights to a future version of myself. Then I would jump back in time to talk to another version of me. Serving as a talking partner to an younger version of myself. I would see my younger self explaining his fears and not allow myself to react with information about his future just general thoughts. Trying to relive the mentality I had at that time. Sometimes when I was talking to my future self I would try to see the life of this shadow I was talking to, wether he is married with children, or living somewhere alone focusing on work. Ironically I would imagine my future self as taller than me even though I have long stopped growing, manifesting I suppose :(.

The goal was to build up enough of these moments such that I could enter a state of time independence, where my feeling are relative to a global state of myself instead the momentary emotions and daily struggles. Reversing mental time at will, I can become the person of my past in any moment. So if I ever become depressed, I can go back to the time before I was depressed and live out my days there.

It doesn't really work though, while I was in bed suffering I didn't have the mental capacity to even try this exercise. After a night of no sleep, I was to tired to even daydream or have coherent thoughts. I tried to use that state to think about my research projects as I thought maybe I would get interesting ideas there, turns out I just stressed about social issues at work.

However I am much more emotionally stable. Very few things throws off my emotional balance, I can always enter a state of peace even if my circumstances are bad. It likely is a combination of these exercises and the fictional places I have created in my mind. In some room you are there which will always give me peace. Goodnight Somi.